Hey Loves,

So, I've talked a lot about how shame and trauma show up in our lives—particularly around sexuality and mental health. If you've been reading along, you might be wondering: Okay, but what do I actually DO about it?

That’s a great question. Fortunately, I have an answer.

I'm going to share with you the approach I use with my clients. It's a holistic approach that uses somatic coaching techniques, and if you've never heard of it, that's okay. Most people haven't. But once you understand what it is and how it works, you'll probably realize you've been craving this kind of support your whole life.

Maybe you're reading this because something feels off. Maybe you know logically you're "enough," but your heart doesn’t believe it. Maybe you feel stuck in patterns you can't seem to break—even though you understand intellectually what you should do differently.

Or maybe you're carrying something heavy. Like an invisible weighted blanket. You have a felt sense of past traumas that disconnects you from the present moment. Your thinking mind tries to make sense of it, but it only paralyzes you with judgment and worry.

You’re not in alignment.

This is where somatic awareness comes in…. Learning to trust your body’s wisdom. Honoring your internal experience by connecting your emotional responses with your bodily sensations.

It sounds like a lot and that’s because it is. But it’s also the first step to really connecting with yourself and healing.

Bad news first? It often hurts before it gets better. And so it goes.

Your mind wants to avoid that pain at all costs, so you wiggle and squirm as much as you can to avoid it. But in the long term, avoidance doesn't actually help. It’s a temporary solution to a long-term problem.

But the good news? Greater self-awareness is a launching pad toward a healthier and happier place. 

What I’m talking about is embodied self-awareness. Not a heady conceptual self-awareness. It’s the difference between being a whole person and being in a state of dissociation. 

It can be scary. Your physical body doesn’t always feel like a safe space. But, with effective ways of honing your body awareness and emotion regulation, you can actually retrain your body’s nervous system and move towards alignment.

These are the benefits of somatic coaching—learning how to close the gap between what you know in your head and what you feel in your body in a way that feels good.

Let's start with what it's NOT.

It's not therapy. 

I'm not a therapist or psychiatrist. I can't diagnose you or prescribe medication. And honestly? That's not what most people need when they're trying to figure out how to have better sex, communicate their boundaries, or stop people-pleasing themselves into exhaustion.

Somatic and holistic coaching is experiential. That means we don't just talk about your problems—we work through them together using practical tools you can actually use in your real daily life.

The word "somatic" comes from the Greek word for "body." Somatic approaches emphasize the mind-body connection—the idea that your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations are all deeply interconnected.

Here’s why that’s SO important!

Trauma doesn't just live in your mind. It lives in your body. Even if you forget or forgive, your body can store fear and go into protective mode at any given moment. You may logically know you're safe, but your nervous system might not agree.

Somatic work helps you find safety in your body so you can make decisions and behave in ways that actually serve you. So you can come from a place of alignment.

So how does that translate to intimacy and relationship coaching?

I got my sexology training through the Somatica® certification program, which combines talk-based coaching with experiential practices. This approach is rooted in emotional and erotic connection, and it's designed to help you expand your skills and beliefs around intimacy.

Here's what makes the Somatica® Method different from traditional talk therapy: you have to do more than just think your way out of ingrained patterns. To create lasting change, you need to identify and shift habitual behaviors through embodied, experiential practice.

I do experiential work, which means I help my clients by giving them practical tools and actually practicing with them. For example, we can have conversations similarly to the way you would when you're dating someone. You get to practice and get real feedback on how I felt and how I experienced the conversation.

Sometimes we untangle harmful beliefs or deconstruct societal messaging that's left you feeling "bad or wrong." Sometimes we work on building skills—like setting boundaries lovingly, asking for what you desire, or accepting disappointment without spiraling.

And sometimes? The work is as simple as giving yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. Or looking into someone's eyes and letting yourself be seen (talk about wanting to squirm your way out of something…).

You know when you know something intellectually, but you can't get it to resonate with the rest of your body? Like, you know it’s ok to enjoy sex, but erotic intimacy feels impossible? Or you want to set a boundary, but your body freezes up when you try?

Somatic practice is what fills the gap between knowing and feeling. It’s what empowers you to be you.

Somatic coaching helps you:

Find safety in your body. You can't control what happens around you. But if you can find safety inside yourself, you can handle challenges without constantly seeking external validation or relief.

Strengthen your mind-body connection. If you're hyper-vigilant about other people's emotional states (hello, empaths and people-pleasers), somatic work can help you attune to your own needs instead of just everyone else's.

Access your intuition. Gut feelings actually come from your gut (that’s why it’s called a gut instinct). If you settle into your body and breathe into your belly, you can check in with yourself and find out how you really feel. Doubt usually comes from intellectualizing—negotiating and combating things in your mind. But your intuition? That lives deeper.

Process emotions physically. This literally means to move your feelings through your body. It’s a somatic experience of release, just like when a dog shakes after something stressful or exciting happens, or a horse licks and chews after a difficult situation (yup, I just compared you to a dog and a horse). Let’s take journaling for example—an effective, evidence-based coping skill that can help you manage your emotions. When you write (or type), you're actually moving your thoughts and feelings through your hands onto paper. It's an outlet for your emotions to move from your head out of your hands.

Reframe your memories and perspectives. The brain is incredibly powerful and capable of great things, even when it comes to past traumas or harmful beliefs. You can learn to be at peace while acknowledging your past. You can learn to be mindful of the present moment without measuring everything against your expectations.

We don't ever get rid of trauma, but we can learn to live with it. Somatic work helps you connect to your body in a way that feels good and aligned with your desires instead of controlled by your fears.

It's possible to find a way forward. It takes time, and healing can be really difficult. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. But if you keep taking steps, you'll get where you want to go. And it's okay to take wrong turns or pause for breaks along the way. In fact, I encourage the pause.

All right, enough theory. Let me show you what this actually looks like.

Someone once asked me: What are the literal steps to take when you want to respond rather than react?

Here's what I told them:

These are somatic techniques. You're not just thinking about your reaction—you're checking in with your body, noticing physical sensations, and using that information to guide your response.

I helped someone who was struggling with people-pleasing. They'd been a self-proclaimed empath and people-pleaser their whole life and wished to change.

When people pleasing becomes a detriment to yourself, it’s probably not just because you’re an empath. It’s more likely a trauma response or coping skill you developed at some point and it’s no longer serving you. That’s ok. You can learn how to adjust in a way that does serve you.

You can be empathetic and compassionate while still keeping healthy boundaries.

When people pleasing means doing something for someone else in spite of your own needs, it’s not necessarily bad. But how much is it costing you? How often do you do it? When does the line get crossed? Can you even see (or feel) the line?

Somatic work can strengthen the mind-body connection so you can attune to your own needs and find the lines (or boundaries) instead of just attuning to everyone else's needs. You can learn how to show up for yourself.

If you direct your compassion toward yourself (instead of always directing it toward others), you actually improve your relationships because you're honoring yourself. When you honor yourself, you can then be able to show up for others to the best of your ability—like putting your oxygen mask on first before helping someone else with theirs.

A woman wrote about feeling doubts in her relationship even though her boyfriend was "amazing on paper." She loved his personality but wasn't always physically attracted to him. She worried about his lack of ambition. There was a quiet voice inside saying he wasn't "the one," but she didn't know if that was anxiety, self-sabotage, or intuition.

Here's what I told her:

Gut feelings actually come from your gut. Your intuition can often be felt deep in your core. This is your pilot light, or your powerhouse.

Anxiety and self-sabotage are mainly cognitive processes. They involve using logic and analysis to detach from emotions. They’re a way to “think” your way out of something, instead of feeling your way out. But if you check in with yourself—your core, gut intuition— you can actually feel the arguments in your mind happening inside your body. Then lean in.

Do you feel sad when the voice is telling you he’s not “the one?” That's normal. You care about him. Can you accept that sadness? What happens if you do? Notice how you feel. Relieved? Scared? Excited? All of the above?

So now ask yourself what you want.

There's no right or wrong answer. Either way, you'll continue on. Your future isn't guaranteed on either path. But, if you move forward in alignment with yourself, you’ll be less likely to look back with regret.

Someone shared that they were struggling after a breakup. They knew logically they should focus on the positives, but they missed their ex and felt guilty.

I told them: Acknowledging the “bad” feelings and giving them compassion is what actually clears up space for the “good” ones to come in.

This doesn't mean obsessing about the things that make you feel bad. It means giving them empathy and kindness. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love. Or talk to yourself the way you wish someone else would talk to you. And then see how it lands in your body.

You're on the right track if you have awareness, even if you don't know what to do about it yet. That will come with time. But without acknowledging what you're dealing with first, you’ll never really get anywhere.

The awareness itself can be difficult. It can be painful. You might want to run away from it. But it’s the kind of thing you can run from, but you can’t hide.

So try giving yourself compassion instead. A safe place to land.

Hopefully this gives you a sense of what somatic coaching techniques actually look like, and why it might be exactly what you need if you've been stuck in the gap between thinking and feeling.

Whatever it is you’re going through… none of it makes you less than human. And all humans deserve compassion.

If you're ready to explore this work, I'd love to support you. Visit Hart's Desire to learn more or just go ahead and schedule a free discovery-call here. What have you got to lose?

You’re worth it. I promise.

Love always,