Is Painful Sex Normal? What To Do When It Hurts.

Hey Loves,

Let’s be real: we live in a world that puts a lot of emphasis on penetrative sex. For better or for worse, the messages we receive tell us unequivocally that PENETRATION MATTERS.

So if penetration doesn't feel good, or even hurts, then down the shame spiral you go 😵‍💫

Second-guessing. Self-criticism. Self-doubt. Denying. Disregarding. Dreading. Questioning. More questioning. So much questioning.

Then, maybe you hear it from a healthcare professional or you find it while searching in a Google rabbit hole: vaginismus.

Va·juh·niz·muhs

Ok, great. NOW what? Are you broken? Incurable? Unlovable? A freak?

Nope.

Vaginismus is real and valid, and so are all the emotions that come with it. None of it makes you bad or wrong, but all of it makes you human. And being human is something we can all relate to (I think).

If any of this speaks to you, then I want to say I see you. I see you down there in your rabbit hole, and I want to help. But I don’t want to just throw you a rope and leave you to climb out by yourself. Have you ever tried climbing a rope? It’s really hard. No no. What I want to do is jump in the hole with you so we can work our way out together.

The point is: you don't have to do it alone, because the truth is… you’re not alone. Even if it can feel like you are.

In this series, we’re going to really explore what it means to have vaginismus and painful sex. We'll do a deep dive and shine light on the things people so often want to leave in the dark. We're going to give this topic the focus and attention it deserves but rarely ever gets. Because vaginas.

So if you’ve ever thought…

• “Why does sex hurt so much?”

• “Why won’t anything go in—even when I want it to?”

• “Am I not normal? Will anyone ever love me this way?”

…then you’re in the right place.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I’m glad you found me. Sincerely.

📘 So There’s Actually a Medical Term for This?

There is. In fact, there are several.

Dyspareunia is the catch-all term for painful sex. There’s superficial dyspareunia, which is pain at the vaginal opening, and deep dyspareunia, pain that’s deeper in the pelvis.

One of the possible causes of sexual pain is vaginismus: a condition where the pelvic floor muscles tighten or spasm involuntarily during penetration. That means the muscles around your vagina clamp down—like a reflex—when you try to insert a tampon, undergo a pelvic exam, or have sexual intercourse. The pain can range from mild discomfort to severe pain that feels impossible to describe.

Vaginismus is considered a medical condition, but it often goes undiagnosed. Why? Because when women experience pain (or anyone with a vagina), it’s frequently minimized or dismissed by healthcare providers. Or, we just don’t talk about it. Because vaginas. But even worse… we’re told it’s normal and to grin and bear it.

It’s aggravating. It’s isolating. And it actually makes everything worse.

How can we ever understand vaginismus better if we don’t talk about it? Or find relief? It can be challenging and feel unpleasant, but healing usually is.

So, let's continue to shine the light....

💥 Is There a Path Out of the Pain?

There are different causes of painful sex besides vaginismus, and it’s usually a combination of factors that tell the whole story. Common causes are (but not limited to):

• Past trauma or emotional issues

• Anxiety, perfectionism, or shame

• Underlying conditions like pelvic floor dysfunction, ovarian cysts, endometriosis, or uterine fibroids

• A negative sexual history, or painful early experiences

• Fear of pain itself

It can be complicated to sort it out, and you may never have all the answers. That’s ok. While it can be helpful to understand the cause of pain—especially if other medical conditions are involved—it's not always necessary.

What's really important is that you listen to your body. Acknowledge the message it’s sending. Allow it to go through. You don’t have to be happy about it, or understand it. All you need to do is receive it

That’s the first step on the path out of the pain. It’s simple, but definitely not easy. Let’s keep going and see where the next step is. If we have to pave it, we can do that, too.

💡 Where Will We Go From Here?

As we continue to shine light on vaginismus, we'll see how it can impact a person and their sex life. We'll look at and consider different treatment options. We'll examine your beliefs and expectations of sex, and discover that your worth as a person is not in your vagina. And finally, we'll finally be able to see a clearer path out of the rabbit hole.

The upcoming posts will cover (in no particular order):

• What it means to have sexual pain and vaginismus

• The emotional toll of feeling like your body is “betraying” you

• Why unwanted pain during sex isn’t normal

• Why penetration isn’t a measure of “successful” sex

• What to do when you’re scared, overwhelmed, or ashamed

• How to talk to your partner, doctor, or therapist

• Healing on your own terms, at your own pace

✍️ What Are The Takeaways Until Next Time?

You deserve compassionate care, answers and/or solutions that make sense, and a sex life that feels empowering and pleasurable.

If that sounds good to you, stay tuned for more. This is just the beginning of the journey, and I'd love to have you along for the ride. Or rather, the climb. 😊

Sign up below👇 and I’ll be in touch!

Love always,

PS: If you’re looking for community support, you might also find r/vaginismus on Reddit to be a helpful place to connect with others who get it. You are not alone!