Hey Loves,

Goodness, where do I begin? I think I’ll start with my truth:

I wasn’t raised in an environment that pushed purity culture. I felt the ripple effects, sure. But my own experience growing up didn’t involve purity rings or purity pledges.

So why am I writing about it? Or better, why should you care about what I say?

Because I know about shame.

And sexual shame is the tie that binds purity culture together.

The good news is: ties can be cut.

Purity culture teachings are meant to help guide people toward righteousness. But instead of feeling right, many people are left feeling… wrong.

Even if it’s been years since you started thinking outside the purity culture narrative… embracing your true self can be extremely challenging–especially when it comes to your own sexuality.

Questioning the purity culture belief system and even walking away usually isn’t enough. Instead of finding clarity, you may feel more confused than ever. Knowing what to think and how to feel isn’t easy, especially when you don’t know where to turn for help and support.

A man reached out to me recently with a story many can probably relate to. He told me about having to work really hard to unwind the negative messaging of purity culture that he had internalized for so long. He spoke about it with such acute introspection and then started to question all the progress he made. 

He wondered if his new values were creepy or if he was twisted:

I wanted to yell ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU’RE AMAZING!

And it’s not an exaggeration.

Anyone who dares to go against the grain impresses me. But anyone who risks eternal damnation in honor of their true sense of self? That’s next level.

Even though purity culture is often thought of as being synonymous with evangelical christianity, it’s not to be confused with faith. It’s hard to unmarry the two, though, because evangelical christians (and other religious communities) lean heavily into the idea of sexual sin to teach people about sex.

That may be how purity culture diverged from being helpful to harmful.

Instead of teaching you how to have healthy relationships, purity culture taught you that sex was poop.

Really.

Before marriage, sex and even just sexual urges–which is a completely normal human experience–is like dog poop hidden in a brownie. Apparently.

Even just a little bit “spoils the batch.”

If the purity movement was trying to set people up for successful relationships, I gotta say… it missed the mark.

The young man who shared his story with me grew up in a conservative Christian environment. He believed in all of it, especially sexual purity. He got married in his early 20s partly because 

The rules were clear:

Before marriage, the messaging is this—

After marriage, it turns into this—

In all the effort to teach young people about sex, there’s little-to-no actual sex education. You’re never empowered to make informed decisions or even to just have bodily autonomy.

You aren’t set up for success. You’re just taught the expectations or marriage and left to hope things will that things will suddenly fall into place.

Quick recap: 

The GIANT GLARING problem with this?

When you learn your natural desires are wrong, you feel like poop.

Sorry, I have a hard time letting a good poop analogy go.

But really… if you think you’re crap, it’s very hard to believe you’re lovable.

And it doesn't just warp how you see yourself—it poisons how you see your partners. Their past becomes a threat. Their sexual history becomes something that makes them "less than." You can't trust them because you've been taught sexual experience outside of this one relationship is contamination (biting my tongue).

So you’re trying to leave the ideals of purity culture behind. Why is it so hard to move forward then? Why does it feel like your own body is still dangerous? Or it doesn’t belong to you?

For the young man I spoke with, he felt like he had a lot of unlearning to do.

He divorced less than 10 years after getting married, and eventually started dating again.

Purity culture trauma enters the chat.

The thing is… it’s very difficult to unlearn something. How do you “un-know” something you’ve known for so long?

It’s a catchy buzzword, but it doesn't really give enough credit to what you actually have to do, which is dismantle the belief system piece by piece, evaluate those pieces through different lenses and perspectives, and then rebuild the system from scratch. And then you have to make sure your body gets the memo.

That’s a lot of work.

For him, that meant 

He thought he figured it out. 10+ years after deconstructing, he thought he moved past it.

But then—

He and his girlfriend discovered they had different beliefs and expectations around something having to do with previous partners, and it sparked the first of many conversations that ultimately led to them breaking up.

This is normal. Disagreements happen in any relationship, and it doesn’t make anyone bad or wrong. But, he walked away from it feeling like maybe he’d taken the “unlearning” too far.

This is what "feeling broken" looks like: not knowing if you're following old rules or breaking new ones, questioning everything, feeling like maybe the problem IS you.

Even if the rules change, the shame doesn’t. One set of "shoulds" get replaced with another, and it can be difficult to know what’s “right” or authentically you.

If you ever wonder if you’re twisted, the simple answer is: no. Or really, the real answer is… we’re all twisted.

We’re all twisted in whatever ways the world twists us. And that’s never your fault.

You’re responsible for your actions, yes. But that’s not what I’m talking about right now.

I’m talking about the various ways the world tells you who you should be without any concern for taking into account who you actually are. Your humanity.

In this case, purity culture twisted natural sexual desires into something shameful. And when you’re raised with the full purity culture experience, you absorb those twisted beliefs. For years. Decades, even. 

Untangling that messaging is definitely going to make you feel twisted. How could it not?

You–in the container of yourself–make perfect sense. It’s making sense of who you are in the world that’s so complicated and confusing. It may make you feel broken, but you aren’t.

So what is true about human sexuality?

Sexuality is part of being a human being. It doesn’t mean you want to have sex. It means you have the capability of being sexual.

And it’s a means of connection—very similar to how we use language, actually.

In linguistics—the study of human language—there’s a widely accepted theory by Noam Chomsky called Universal Grammar. To simplify, it says humans are born with an innate, built-in "language acquisition device" containing a fundamental design common to all languages. Even more simply, humans are born with the innate capacity to learn language.

There are opponents to the theory like any other, and I’m not here to argue for or against it. But, I do think it’s worth recognizing that whatever the case… 

language is omnipresent among human life.

An interesting case study is of Nicaraguan Sign Language, a spontaneously developed language that emerged in the 1970s-80s among deaf children in Nicaragua.

This phenomenon suggests language is–in part–created through the human brain’s capacity for structure and communication. 

Of course, we teach babies how to speak and we teach children grammar. Language is learned, it’s just not only learned.

Why did I just take you on this linguistics historical tour? Because sex is very similar.

We have an innate ability for experiencing pleasure or satisfaction. Not even just sexually, but other ways too, such as play, craving certain foods, forming social bonds, and even just scratching an itch.

When we grow up in a society, we don’t have to figure out how to do these things by ourselves. We’re taught by those who raise us, and by the world around us. And many times, we’re not only taught how to do these things, but also how to feel about them. 

Are there cultures that celebrate sex? Yep.

Sexual guilt and shame aren’t usually a part of the conversation. Instead the focus is on comprehensive sex education, open exploration and connection, consensual sexual expression, and even sexual pleasure.

Research suggests people are generally happier and experience better sexual/mental health in cultures with less sexual shame. Reducing stigma lessens guilt and shame which fosters healthier self-esteem. 

Purity culture, on the flip side, teaches sex is shameful and something to be denied, until you find The One, that is. But first—you wait.

True love waits… for what exactly? Connection? Intimacy? Pleasure? Trust and vulnerability? Safe and secure interdependence?

I’m not saying you have to have sex to have those things. But purity culture says once you’re married, you’ll have those things and sex. In fact, you must have sex because it’s your duty.

Is the switch supposed to just get flipped once you say “I do?”

Who’s flipping the switch? How are they doing it? Is it the man who’s been taught he’s dangerous and a threat to women, and going to hell for feeling lust? Or is it the woman who’s been taught her body is a gateway to hell should a man’s eyes fall upon her?

If you’re still with me, I applaud you. I applaud you for making it through this article, but also for making it this far in your healing. For being curious and open to possibility.

That’s all you need.

If you’re open and curious, dismantling the shame becomes inevitable. Putting the pieces back together takes some maneuvering and finagling, but the exciting part is… you get to create and decide how you want to build the system.

It’s your system.

It can feel confusing, scary, maddening, and impossible. But you can do it. 

You can rebuild. You can flip the switch. You just need the right tools and support.

If you want to learn more, you can visit www.purityculturerecovery.com. And, subscribe below so you can stay tuned for what’s next. I have so much more I can’t wait to share ♥️

Love always,