Hey Loves,

Ok, hate is a strong word. Perhaps I should say “… yet you judge yourself for it.” Read on to see what might ring true to you, even if just a little bit.

You did it. The “deed.” 

You had S-E-X.

And there’s no undoing it, no matter how much you might want to.

Doesn’t matter if…

…sexual regret and guilt can creep in and consume you.

It feels like you’re helplessly watching your dignity wane down the dreaded

WaLk oF sHaMe.

So poetically tragic. But wait….

Shouldn’t it be the Walk of Regret or Walk of Guilt?

You may be trying to deal with feelings of guilt and regret, but you might not be addressing the most important thing: shame.

Guilt is specific to actions or behaviors—it can motivate positive change and allow you to learn and move forward.

But shame traps you. It’s an internalized feeling of worthlessness—it’s not about what you did but rather who you are.

You're unlovable. 

When you believe you’re bad and unworthy of love, you don’t connect with others in a way that feels good, because you don’t think you deserve it.

So many times when someone feels guilty after sex…

they didn't actually do anything wrong. 

That sense of culpability is actually self-condemnation. And with it comes self-loathing and self-destruction. Because you think you deserve to be punished.

Where does that feeling of regret come from, exactly? And why? Are you simply experiencing the consequences of casual sex? Bad sex? Illicit sexual liaisons? Maybe you were the victim of sexual abuse.

These are all valid feelings. But let’s look a little deeper, because my guess is there’s more to it all than what it seems.

These after-sex experiences are similar, but they're not quite the same. They can happen after masturbating (especially to porn) or partnered sex, and they don’t just affect men (despite the use of the word “nut”).

Post-nut clarity: slang for the "oh shit, what did I just do?" feeling that immediately follows sexual gratification. A sense of “clear-headedness” that isn’t “clouded” by sexual desire, often accompanied by judgement. 

Postcoital dysphoria (or post-sex blues): a feeling of sadness, depression, or anxiety after orgasm, even if you had consensual sex and it was a positive experience. 

You feel like you did something wrong. But did you really?

Is it possible you’re responding to internalized messaging you've received from society? Religion? Culture? Family? Friends?

Maybe you feel badly about not meeting someone’s expectations. Or giving in to their demands too easily.

Well what about what you want? Think? Feel? What’s aligned with your true beliefs or desires? Do you know?

These aren’t easy questions to answer. The first step to figuring it all out is to think about how you feel about how you feel. To do this effectively, the trick is to be curious without judgement. Be neutral.

Sex neutrality can mean not caring about sex. But in this case, I’m using it to mean removing the moral judgment from it and allowing yourself to have emotional reactions with curiosity and compassion.

Sexual activity is a normal part of being human. It's not inherently good or bad—it just is. What matters isn’t whether or not you have it. What matters is how you engage with it.

When you approach sex with neutrality, you can ask yourself questions without shame biasing your answers:

These questions help you understand your own sexual behaviors and guide your decisions for next time.

​When we make decisions in intimate relationships from an unempowered place, we're much more likely to have feelings of regret.

Shame disempowers you. It says your desires are wrong, wanting sexual pleasure is bad, and having sexual gratification makes you guilty.

When you practice neutrality, you create space to learn:

The pain of regret stings. It’s a complex but normal human experience, and ignoring or denying it would be a missed opportunity to learn from it.

It doesn't automatically mean you made a bad decision. It might have seemed like a good idea at the time. Or, maybe you weren't fully informed or in control.

It doesn’t automatically mean you're to blame.

The pain of regret stings, but it’s an invitation to lean in and get curious…

because there's room to grow. I promise ♥️

Love always,